The Alternative Awards 2017

Felix Separator January 14, 2018

Italian of the Year: Brazzo

It was in a way an Italian year for FC Bayern: Of course, even in 2017, under the leadership of an Italian head coach, the majority worked for a long time. One became champion, but as inelegant and supple as an Oberbayer can pronounce the word “gnocchi”. It wasn’t all bad, but like those in the Italian economy, so many problems crept in with the Italian FC Bayern over time that the system collapsed. So: away with pizza, pasta and amore and back to pork roasts, veal sausage and Mia san Mia.

Now, however, the question remains as to who will receive the popular award for the “Italian of the Year” (the prize is awarded in the minds of the Miasanrot editorship in the form of a large golden portion of Penne all’ Arrabbiata). Neither Carletto nor his co-trainers have positioned themselves to win the Squadra Azzura Oscar, that’s for sure. Candidates therefore: Rafinha, who once played in Genoa for a year and speaks broken Italian, Luca Toni, who played for the FC-Bayern-Traditionself and Diego Contento, still a member of the club.

But in the end, the prize could only go to the man whose Italian was not only influenced by the rough northern dialect of Turin, but also by players such as great bearded guys like Gianluigi Buffon, Andrea Pirlo and Allesandro Del Piero. Alone this gallery of legendary ex-colleagues let Hasan Brazzo Salihamidzic shine in a red-white-white-green light. A short YouTube search delivers the definitive proof: when the man asks “cosa fai?”, you buy the Italo-Bosnier from him – that’s almost enough to be the best Italian player at FC Bayern in 2017 in view of the bad competition.

Best pet of the Year: Cando

According to a recent research by a German tabloid newspaper, a total of 22 pets live with players and managers of FC Bayern. Highlights: Ben, Labrador crossbreed and successor to Hoeneß’s favourite Kuno, who died in 2014; Cassius, Ivory and Butch, the Bulldog-Boxer-Trio that’s working with Jerome Boateng in the living room at his duel rate; Thiago’s poodle Babi, on whose hairstyle not only the master, but also David Alaba and Kingsley Coman have obviously taken a role model.

Nevertheless, there can only be one pet of the year (price is a gold-plated original Hoeneß sausage). Never before has a dog been more influential at FC Bayern than Cando, when he told his master Jupp Heynckes with a triple short barking at the end of September, that he should become coach again. Cando took over the burden of walking alone from now on, getting his own food and still found the time to watch games on Saturday in front of the TV. We can’t thank Cando, whose sympathetic comrade, the Koi carp Philippo, who was released into the freedom of Heynckess’s pond by the Bavarian team after the triple 2013, has died in the meantime, enough for his willingness to make sacrifices, and we can’t thank him enough for his sacrifice and scratch him behind the ears every day.

Magath of the Year: Giovanni Mauri

Since Felix Magath finally found the regime in China as a trainer that does not regard his martial training opportunities as a danger to life and limb in the sense of human rights, a lot has changed in Germany as well. The laptop trainers, who only know medicine balls and torture hills from the stories of their fathers or grandfathers, rely on exercises with the ball and tactical training instead of endurance runs. In order to maintain the tradition of proper training for real men, Miasanrot will award the Magath des Jahres Award in 2017 for outstanding training concepts in the form of a golden header pendulum.

Giovanni Mauri relied on a completely different method than Magath or the boys with the nutrition plan. It was code-named “Marlboro” and aimed to keep the number of smoked cigarettes above the number of sprints during each training session. This method brought him not only trouble with Brazzo (original quote: “Giovanni, non si fuma qui!”), but also with Arjen Robben (original quote: “&” $ ($&! =!? §/$ “!”). Too little training was not an option for FC Bayern, which is still run by real men who really care about training. With Giovanni Mauri, the Marlboros left Säbener Straße – after all, we send him an award.

Kalle of the Year: Uli Hoeneß

The Kalle of the Year is usually awarded to – surprise – Karl-Heinz Rummenigge. During the last few years, the chairman of the board of directors has been able to convince time and time again with one or two “Kalauer” (or “Kalleauer”). But in 2017, the king of the strong proverbs, who in an impressive consistency overshoot the target, came back. Uli Hoeneß is back again and comments on almost everything: statements about fans, club strategy and transfers are next to reports about Trump, the CSU and other world politics.

The red-white microphone, which had slowly but surely landed in Rummenigge’s hands during Hoeneß’ time in prison, now belongs to the president again and he has even invested in a better sound system. That’s why he receives the Kalle of the Year award (a gold-plated Rolex). Earned at the end of the day, as Kalle would say.

Thomas Müller of the Year: Thomas Müller

No surprises here: Just as sure as Meryl Streep gets her Oscar as best leading actress, so surely Thomas Müller also gets the award as best Thomas Müller. For a short time it had been possible to believe that he had lost the nimbus of Upper Bavaria’s lanky and loud Müller guy, but then came Cando, barked three times, sent Jupp to Munich and he in turn once again told Müllerthomas how to interpret spaces. Even though this time the Müller of the year (in the form of a golden grinning face) almost went to Mats Hummels (Upper Bavarian, lanky but not loud enough), the first round Müller was still good enough to remain the Munich Meryl Streep.

Haircut of the Year: Greywandowski

“Szary” is the word you’ve all been looking for. It is Polish for “grey” and thus describes not only the colour of Munich’s sky shortly before the Ancelotti dismissal, but also the hair tone of Robert Lewandowski. The service content of this article increases even further: if you meet Lewy soon in Munich on the street (most likely it’s in the area around the Herzogpark in Bogenhausen, just waiting for a red Ferrari F12), you can call him a friendly “cool szary, Lewy!” – and you already have one up.

Just for fun: Parts of the Miasanrot editorial team have been very insecure since the beginning of November when watching the Bayernspiele, because there is a number nine running over the pitch, who reminds us from a distance of a muscle pack with the head of Sky du Mont. Greywandowski has shown courage to use a pale colour and is therefore very much in line with the trend: German TV presenter Birgit Schrowange has proudly presented grey hair and was thus one of the flagships for more self-esteem among women (the colourful headline with the “Greyhair-Outing”). Lewy’s grey comes out of the can, but that’s enough for the golden curler that Miasanrot gives away for the haircut of the year.

Derby God of the Year: Fabian Benko

Do we have to talk about that? Not really, right? Thank you Fabian Benko. You truly deserve the golden Giesing district sign for the Miasanrot derby god of the year for this goal.

Most opinionated social media of the Year: Arturo Vidal

Arturo Vidal can show a clear edge on the pitch, off to the pitch and even on Instagram. If you don’t follow the Chilean account there yet, you’re missing something. Something in this case means a mixture of South American hip-hop, often performed live on the ride to the training, Selfies with “mi hermanooooooo” Rafinha/James/Alaba and lots of moments with son Alons(it)o (by the way has a new YouTube channel, also check that out!) or other members of the Vidal clan.

A special highlight, however, are certainly the reports of media criticism from their homeland, which are often accompanied by a bunch of curse words. Without question: Arturo Vidals Social Media certainly deserves the award. And one can only hope that his future club will not look too closely at Instagram when it comes to scouting.

Special award for political commitment: Joshua Kimmich

…because no one better cloes the right flank.

»Eier, wir brauchen Eier!«

— Oliver Kahn

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